


Dear Gon...

by FindingGing



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Aged-Up Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Alluka is possessive, Creepy Hisoka (Hunter X Hunter), Crying Killua Zoldyck, Determined Gon Freecs, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I'll add Kurapika later on in the story dw!, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Killua PTSD, Killua is A horrible borther, M/M, Not sure if you guys can handle it, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alluka Zoldyck, POV Aunt Mito, POV Biscuit Krudger, POV Gon Freecs, POV Killua Zoldyck, Protective Gon Freecs, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Alluka Zoldyck, protective alluka
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:40:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26595388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FindingGing/pseuds/FindingGing
Summary: Killua has fully accepted that Gon isn't coming back for him, pulling himself into a world of doubt. Killua is hurting, but he refuses to acknowledge that himself.Nothing like a friend to help out.(A story where Killua realizes in his small world that there is always a light in the darkness, in Gon's, a forgiving heart, and in Alluka's, a fading dark).Warnings: Blood, Gore mentioned, Self harm mentioned, A lot of hurt mentioned, Swearing! Please don't read if you are uncomfortable with these!
Relationships: Alluka Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Alluka Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Comments: 54
Kudos: 80





	1. It still hurts.

**Author's Note:**

> (This part of my writing is terrible cuz this is my first fic, Pls forgive me if it looks messy!) 
> 
> Pls excuse any errors I've made during the writing progress!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song for the first chapter:  
> [Nightcore-Call me in the morning (Billy Lockett)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOguc_g7oSQ)

_Gon,_   
_It's been three years._

_I_ _t's been three years now, since we departed at the World Tree, ya know. Times flies way too fast when you have nothing else to do. Like staring at a clock, looking out a window, or writing a letter. ~~but never give it in the end~~_

_I mean, don't get me wrong, Alluka and I had great times together. I remember how her adorable little face was fangirling over some weak fighters (that ~~we~~ I could’ve handled easily) and decided that she wanted to go to Heavens Arena for a couple of signatures._

_And as big brother (AND THE N0.1 CHAMPION FOR WINNING THE RACE AT THE HUNTER EXAM, don’t fight me on this one), I did not disappoint. Not only did I bring her to the Heavens Arena and gave her front seats access only, I personally took her to the back and made her meet her idols._

_We nearly got caught though, so we had to run back.  
 ~~~~_

_~~Believe it or not, I had a panic attack because~~ _

_And you wouldn’t believe it, Bisky Kruger, Four Eyes, and Zushi were BEHIND us when we were screaming our heads off at the Referee for pulling up a foul. It was pretty fun, cuz Bisky nearly jumped off the stands to beat up the Ref herself!  
It was fun day all together, with all of us going to a random café and catching up on our new lives and all, but in the end, _

_It just wasn’t the same without you._

_It's been ~~Lonely~~ kind of boring lately without you. I had a party with Ikalgo and the gang, took a walk, and even did stargazing. It’s just… _

Killua took a shaky breath,

_I should be glad though, but..._

_I'm not._

_I don’t know how to explain it, but I wanted you to be there with me, for everything. I wanted you to laugh with me, fight with me and say the stupidest things so I can make fun of you, just like when we were kids. But I can’t do that anymore._

_I can’t poke on the forehead for being stupid, I can’t laugh with you for throwing a pillow at me when you were pretending to sleep, I can’t even talk to you about my problems when you saved me from them, because you’re gone._

_You’re probably ignoring me, and my existence, because of how much of a horrible friend I was to you._

_You’re probably of with new friends, because of how much of a useless bi-_

_*SNAP*_

“Dammit,” Killua hissed under his breath, tears running down at his face and nose. “God-dammit.”

Killua’s grip on the pen loosens, as the plastic fragments of the pen are thrown across the table. He glares at his confession letter he was going to write for Gon, now blurry in his glossy eyes. Killua hung his head low as he released his teardrops on the paper.

He wishes he could see Gon, just one more time. He would stop him from feeling like absolute shit, compliment him nonstop about how cool and amazing Killua was to him. He was the greatest gift that the world has given him.

_I’m so pathetic,_ Killua thought, gripped his hair furiously. _that I want him back, even though he doesn’t_ want _you anymore._

_“This,”_ Gon spat, “has _nothing_ to do with _you.”_

_I’m so pathetic_

_I’m so pathetic_

_I’m so pathetic_

_I’m so pathetic_

_I’m so pathetic_

He hate the fact that Gon, his own best friend, who he had shared his secret with him, who had travelled the world and back to find him, who had never spoken against him, showed how much of worth he was to him using those same words that still hurt him.

But most of all, he hates _himself_ for falling into such a stupid concept, with a burning passion.

He took the paper gingerly, gazing into it, before placing it inside of the small cabinet, along with the rest of his unfinished letters. He let the last of his tears caress his face, then wiped it with the sleeve of his dark blue sweater. He took deep breaths, his voice shaking with hurt, and solitude.

“Gon doesn’t need me anymore,” Killua whispered in the empty, lifeless room. “And I don’t need him.”

_Alluka needs me now. She needs someone to make her smile, to fill her lonely world with happiness. So -_

The sound of knocking interrupted Killua’s thoughts. He turned his head towards the sound, the oakwood door creaking painfully slow.  
Alluka popped her head between the crack of the door, oblivious to the intrusion she had made.

“Onii-chan, I made you dinner.” Alluka said, entering the room. “It’s ramen, but I made sure to get your favourite chocorobos.”

“Oh,” Killua replied nonchalantly. “Thanks.”

_Was it already past sunset? I should’ve gotten some groceries when I had the time-_

“And I uh” Alluka interrupted once more, fiddling with her shirt, eyes darting from the curtains that covered the room with a dark hue, to his clothes piled around his bed. “and um, well, I, uh-”

“Yes?” Killua glanced at her once more.

“I-I wanted you, to um, come with me.” Alluka finally finished, looking at the floor like it’s the most interesting thing in his room.

They stood in silence, the cat clock that Leorio bought for him taunting him with it’s annoying cat eyes looking side to side. Killua internally scowled at the clock, as if the action will give the old man a heart attack.

Maybe he _could_ leave his room. It wasn’t such a big deal, after all. He needed the rest from the constant white walls, the bland view from his glass window and himself. He needs to stop reminding himself of what he was. Of what he is becoming.

“Sorry Alluka,” Killua shrugged “maybe another time-”

“It’s because of _Him_ , isn’t it?” Alluka said darkly, no longer averting her gaze, but boring her eyes into Killua. The room temperature suddenly dropped. No longer did his room feel warm and homely, but it is as if everything that once lived in this room a second ago, has died to the very thing causing it. He felt the absolute blood-lust coming from Alluka, from the way she held her ground, to her timid but joyful aura, which seemed to ooze out the colour of malice, baring its teeth out.

However, no matter how she presented herself at him,

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” Killua responded with a shrug. “Like I said, _another time_.”

It didn’t affect him one bit.

Killua was a born liar, right from the get-go. Never did he break character, looking bored at everything, rolled his eyes at the face of danger. At this very moment, he hadn’t stood up from his chair, but had rolled his head towards Alluka and gazed at her with lifeless eyes, while she stood from the doorway, not an inch forward.

Killua suspects Alluka is jealous of Gon, from the way he would talk about their adventures together, to how many times Gon slipped up. Her face would light up about their troubles, but then she would frown at how many times Gon was mentioned in it.

_But why would she think that it was_ Gon _of all people?_

The silence of the room intensified, with the clock’s ticking forever taunting him, her gaze never leaving Killua, and Killua with his.  
It seemed as if a year has passed, before a loud sigh broke the tension. Alluka had given up, her disappointment in full display to her victim. Her body slumped, deflating her anger entirely.

“Fine,” whispered Alluka, “It’s not like I’m waiting or anything. If you need anything-”

“Just go,” Killua said in finality. He turned to her once more, and gave her a shit-eating grin. “I’m okay, don’t worry.”

Alluka stood there for a moment, like she was contemplating the weight of his words. She didn’t want to move, nor did she want to leave, until Killua signalled the conversation was over, turning his head back to his table.

She turned away from him and muttered something before closing his door.

Killua let himself turn, bluest of eyes lingered at the door, not knowing if he was waiting for her knocking, or for himself to get up, although neither sound promising.

Killua is aware of what he has done is wrong, he knows that he is hurting Alluka and others around him, he knows that many of his “friends” are calling him and make sure he is okay, he is well aware of their sympathy after hearing the duo had disbanded,

He just doesn’t care anymore.

Cuz He

just

felt

So

_Done._

Ever since Gon and him departed, his happiness, his charismatic attitude was ripped away from him. Everyone around him felt wary of him, as he was the definition of depression. Even Alluka stopped smiling a year ago.

It was true, Alluka was excited to go to the Heavens Arena, but whenever she turned back to look at Killua, her joyful expression was gone, and she would stop smiling. Even Bisky was trying to ask where was Gon, but he just gave her a shrug, and the conversation ended.

The truth was, Alluka and Killua stopped coming to any events, talking to anyone, and even going as far as talking to each other altogether, after the incident at Heavens Arena, it was taboo to even speak about it. All that they knew, was Killua walked in content, and walked out miserable.

He felt dejected after what he had said to Alluka. She was just worried about him. He even felt angry at himself for even suspecting her getting angry over Gon. But that’s just how he is. Closed off to others and suspecting their every move.

He stood up, surprised he even had the energy to do so, and walked into the bathroom. He switched on the lights; the room illuminating him with a light blue hue.  
He saw himself, with his white hair sticking in weird directions. His eyes were red rimmed, but also purple from all the sleep he was getting. His cheeks were no longer chubby like when he was 12, but now sunken in his pale porcelain face.

Nothing looked different though, his eyes were still a striking contrast to his white hair and creamy skin, and his lips a more prominent red.

_What if,_ he wondered, _Gon was here, right behind him? If Gon was here, would his eyes linger on his lips, silently judging on whether he should go in for it? Or would he want me to be the dominant one?_

_What would he say?_

_What would he do?_

_Would he-_

He turned on the tap, the rushing water a melody to his thoughts. He rolled his sleeves to his jutting elbows, and let the cold water graze his fingertips. He collected water from his cupped hands and splashed it on his face. He shivered from the changing temperature, but did it again, and again, until he was fully awake.  
He turned off the tap, shut the door, and slumped himself on the bed.

Killua still felt like shit, but at least he wasn’t dead yet. He will try his hardest to change, just not now. He will put in the effort of making Alluka happy again, just maybe later. Killua knows that everyone is concerned, but he will fix it. He will make it up to everyone by putting on his best face.

He is a liar after all.

Before Killua knew it, he felt himself being pulled away from reality. He relaxed himself from all of the trouble the world has given him, and before he had a chance to stop himself, he fell asleep.

Unaware of the danger that would arrive the next day.


	2. Wounds heal when you stop noticing them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the HUGE hiatus I had, I am really sorry! I'll explain myself later, but for now,  
> Here's a beat! []~(￣▽￣)~*
> 
> [Kokoronashi acoustic](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWpbsFA_Ouk)

_6 months ago, 7:12 pm…_

“Thank you, have a nice day!” Alluka waved at the employer, who was wiping up the bench. The bell sung as the door to the café closed shut. The city’s life was dying down. Employers and employees were wrapping up orders for their customers, sending their goodbyes, while many others walk towards The Annual Battle Olympia, just as excited as Alluka.

Alluka was practically jumping with joy when she heard of the Heavens’ Arena Battle Olympia, where her favourite fighters were to fight the Grand Floor Masters to attain their high status. She was determined to go, giving silent but aggressive hints to Killua, leaving flyers around, let the ads play on the TV, until she gave in and just asked him if he could allow her to come.

Killua was currently sitting on the vacant chairs of the café, his leg bobbing with impatience, sipping at the last few droplets of his cup. The colour of the fading sun settled nicely on his face, enlightening his bangs. His eyes darted around before seeing his little sister strolling towards him, holding out what seems to be steamed buns in a bag. He shoved on in his mouth, held his sisters’ arm as the pair walked together in the direction of Heaven’s Arena.

“Onii-chan, look over there!” Alluka squealed, pointing at the heart that represented the city, Heavens Tower. The White Colossal Tower shimmered brightly under the setting sun, going unnoticed by the many people gasping over its’ defying presence. Sounds of snaps were taken by the few people capturing the moment, loved ones peace signing for their pictures.

Killua smiled softly at the gesture, as he vividly remembered a day like this. A day where he and Gon were waving goodbye to their new friends, Zushi and Wing-san. The sunset was exactly like this, a bright, yet sad colour for their departure.

Kids in their own world, running through the endeavours, for venturing into the unknown could never be enough for the two of them. Almost killing themselves, for the sake of their closest allies. If Gon were to go down, then there was no doubt he was going down with him. It was the simple sentiment that gave more of a reason to be with Gon, And Gon, with him.

Nothing could ever tear these two apart.

Before he knew it, he was at the front of the line, caught dazing away by the lady at the front desk.

“Excuse me, sir?” The lady waved into of his face. “your tickets?”

Killua shook his head, chuckled quietly, before he realized that Alluka had the tickets, and was walking towards the elevator.

“Alluka, wait a second,” Killua called out to her, pointed to the elevators behind him, “It’s back there.”

Alluka huffed loudly before turning back around and continued walking towards the elevators, turning her head away from Killua the whole time. She pushed the up button harshly, as the numbers began to decrease.

It was going to be a while before the elevator came.

Killua took the time to look around the place, not much change from when he was 12. Nothing major anyways. The marble floor glisten and glowed from the ceiling lights, the lady at the front desk was tending to many others at a fast pace. His eyes landed at the tickets Alluka was crinkling in her hands, edges wrapped in gold, with its’ stupid fist icon in the middle of it.

Still the same.

The elevator pinged, signalling it’s end of descent, opening the metal doors to a brown-haired employee. She moved to the side to allow space for the two, all the while advertising the Heavens’ Arena franchise and how being a floor master works to an already excited child.

The noise pulled Killua back to his suppressed memories, this time, seeing a younger version of himself in the same elevator with another employee simply glancing at his side. He wore a simple tank top, covered in grime, and sweat from his constant training, grey coloured shorts, with his standard purple shoes. His snow-white curls grew long and dishevelled, the sides of his hair curled around the sides of his ear.

His heart was pounding, hands shaking, even if he closes then tightly around his sides, the echo of the elevator’s chime grew louder. His breath was ragged and heavy, his eyes full of determination to return home, as the elevator was rising up another level.

Whatever it takes, he has to return home. He needs to kill them all, he needs to go floor after floor, he needs to ensure victory to make his father proud. To make himself worthful of being a Zoldyck.

Not as a failure. Never a failure.

The screams of the crowd were evident, as Killua stepped out of the elevator. The lights Illuminated his small base figure, his hair covering his face, fist raised in the air. The cheers of the people dampened suddenly, as gasps and horrified screams were heard from the sheer sight of him. Crimson was dripping down his raised arm, snow white hair now clung the side of his hair, the blood gripped the side of his profile.

Pointed fingers, screams at their full.

The commentator was trying to assure everyone that it was acting, forcing others to clap along, even if it was a sickening sight to behold. And he hated it. So, so very much.

He cried quietly during his breaks from his fights, curling himself on the high-quality mattresses, frustration only growing further. He hated being a Zoldyck. He hated being an assassin, he hated how no one wanted to talk to him, he hated the lifeless corpse with its listless eyes.

He just wanted to be normal.

There were some parts to his life where he could admit that he felt, _off._ When he returned home, successful after his mission. His mother would cherish him with abundance of praises, caressing his cheek, overlooking the mass of the victims’ blood on his face. When she would practically remind everyone, that he was to become a Monster, like a true Zoldyck.

For how much they loved him, was shown on each scar, on each tissue ripped and formed back by a form of torture, breaking his skin open, electrocuting him underwater, shoving twisted affection after doing everything for them. Even ending a human life, for some who had a family.

Where one scar began, many more were to come, for he was an assassin, a monster who didn’t deserve friends, love, or family.

But he kept smiling, kept killing, just to be their King. A Zoldyck.

It felt lonely, at the top, watching the outskirts of the empire that was built for him, with no one to talk to, or anyone _wanting_ to talk to him. He never really felt anything, just a sense of loss from the reality of solitude. That’s all.

He looked at his feet, focusing on the sounds of the now, boastful employer that many have failed to climb to the top, while a star eyed Alluka practically grabbed her hands and spewed her favourite matches to her new friend.

It was Killua’s fault that Alluka was alone. She was waiting for him, playing with only her toys. No one wanted to get to know her for who she was. She didn’t deserve the pain that was thrown at her.

If he had to suffer torture, and relieve his past trauma over on loop, just to save Alluka from hers, he would. If he had to abandon his happiest moments in life, just to make Alluka smile, there would be no hesitation. Killua has a new responsibility, with looking after Alluka. He knows the feeling of solitude, from the bottom of his heart. He wishes it on no one to ever feel that way, ever again, especially with Alluka. Never on Alluka, ever again.

Guess he’ll have to get used to being lonely, once again.

…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really sorry if I hadn't done anything lately, I have been feeling kinda down on myself. Then again, alot of ppl feel this way too, so I don't know if I should be complaining. 
> 
> But anyways, as you've probs noticed the chapter is short, and it relates to Killua before he got to the breaking point in Chapter 1. I made it short cuz I wanted to get things easily done, cuz I really don't know how much I need to write minimum, Like 1500 everyday? or 1000 at most? I really don't know 😣.
> 
> I'd really appreciate if I could get comments telling me wth i should be doing, cuz I'm really new to this!
> 
> But anyways, Thanks for checking out my first fic, and pls leave kudos and comment if you enjoyed it!  
> And until next time  
> Take care! ❤❤ ☜(ﾟヮﾟ☜)


	3. Meanwhile...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here another chapter for you all!  
> Tysm for the support on the other chapter, i really appreciated it! 💙🤗

We’re going to be honest here.

People have certain preferences when it comes to what they desire, right? To sit near a cosy fire, sipping in a cup, preferably hot tea. To walk on the beach at sunset, letting the last of the warm sand comfort the soles of the feet. Or to paint their nails a certain colour shade.

At least, that’s what Bisky wanted to do.

But here she is, waiting in a stupid line, with all these ugly, stupid people, with their ugly, stupid friends. Honestly, the mere sight of these sweaty, panting creatures, who are so desperate on gaining the bests seats gave her _shivers_. What derives them from being normal is that they actually _wanted_ to watch these vile beasts hound on each other.

And if there is one thing that she _despises_ the most, and she would use that word _sparingly,_ it’s Heavens Arena. Where everyone has assembled for the stupid Battle Olympia. It’s disgusting, gross, and a waste of time for yourself to be in. And this is coming from Bisky herself.

“I hate this,” Bisky grumbled, who was currently being held prisoner by the line in front of her.

“I know, you said so 13 times so far, Bisky-chama”

Oh yeah~, Wing’s here.

Who knew that his dishevelled hair, basic black pants, as well as his white shirt, which by the way, was fucking untucked, disguised him to look exactly like _these_ fucking ugly people? Bisky pinched the bridge of her nose with her index and thumb. Truthfully, this man and everyone else with her is going to give her wrinkles.

“Wing,” she said slowly, pinching her nose harder, facing away from him. “Give me a reason not to slap you right now, and walking out of here while I still can.”

“Remind me, why am I here today,” she continued, turning fully to Wing now. “Because I had plans for myself, that you _had_ to interrupt me on.”

“Well,” Wing said, “It was supposed to be a secret for now, so can you wait until then?”

“Ugh,” Bisky groaned loudly, spinning on the spot. “It better be a good one Wing. Because that door,” she pointed at the entrance behind her, “looks very tempting to walk out from.”

"Don't worry," Wing reassured, "It's a good one."

The silence was forced on the two, one being very agitated that the line was as fast as a snail, while the other distracted himself from the other. At least, _tried_ to. That was difficult enough, due to the small child huffing and clicking her touch, and continually threw insults at him, at the bystanders or Heaven’s altogether.

“This is stupid. You’re stupid Wing.”

“Mhm.”

“…”

“…”

“I hate this.”

“I heard.”

The desk was so far away to where they were, and Bisky’s eyebrows were buried into her eyes. These people were taking their time generously, being unaware that there was over a thousand people behind them. Absolutely despicable. Her breath became shallow and loud, while her bloated face made her resemble a bratty child. Anyone would’ve brushed off their child for appearing this way.

To Wing, however, it struck fear to the man. It was a warning, a sign of omen that were to befall on him in this very moment. Bisky was, stubborn, selfish, and ignorant, that was true. But one thing that separated him from her, she was _impatient._

“Oh my god, CAN YOU HURRY THE FUCK UP?!”

There it was. Bisky’s legendary tantrum.

The people in front and behind turned their heads towards the sound, excitement plastered on their faces. The people thought that there was a fight happening. Wing waved his hands in front of her, giving her signal that she was being too loud.

“Bisky-”

“Don’t talk to me Wing!” Bisky yelled at the top of her lungs. “I have been waiting for so LONG! My legs ache, my hair is starting to frizz up, and these hideous gremlins take too long in getting their tickets!” Bisky cried noisily, as the other’s judged Wing for his parental skills. Others adverted their gaze in second-handed embarrassment, because Wing grabbed oh her arm, and she yelled even louder. It seemed if some felt bad, because one of the mother’s tapped Wing on his shoulder.

“Excuse me,” one of the ladies in line interrupted them, “I see that your child was distressed, and so I wanted to give my spot to you. I hope it’s not too much trouble now.”

“Oh no, it’s-”

“Oh, thank you, I really wanted to come to the front of the line!” Bisky said with fake kindness laced in her voice. Her childish demeanour, as well as her big, fluffy dress covered up her phony act that was previously displayed before.

“Come on, daaaad~,” she wailed dramatically, grabbing onto his arm, “we’re going to be late!”

“Uh” Wing stuttered as he moved forward into the line.

“ _And tuck in your shirt before I_ break _you,_ Wing.” She said lowly, intent clear.

The apprentice tucked his shirt quickly into his pants, afraid of the punishment that he would soon be getting. Bisky gave Wing the death stare, before nodding to his achievement in tucking his shirt neatly. Honestly, the line wasn’t really that long, there was about 5 people left before the desk, but Bisky had to throw a fit, and to her benefit, it worked.

Wing paid for 3 tickets, offering the lady hers for the kindness she gave them, and walk towards the elevators.

…

One word.

One word could not describe how historic this moment was.

The doors to the arena was large, almost intimidating, as if they were entering the King’s throne. It formed a wide arc, Black Cherry Stained Oakwood with hard sliver metal. It was engraved on the edges “Fight with a strong spirit. Fight with reason in your heart.” If anybody were to stand any longer in front of the door, they would have to collapse at the immense exposure. It felt amazing to be here.

If Bisky didn’t huff so loudly.

“What is it now?” Wing gave her a pointed look, as if she were the one who dragged him on to this mess. In all honesty, she _was_ the one who embarrassed him to everyone.

Bisky stayed quiet, chewing the bottom of her lip. She took her time as if she were solving a riddle, turning the gears in her head to form an answer.

“If there is something that you’re worried about, Wing,” Bisky crossed her arms and tilted her head. “Now would be a good time to speak.”

If there was a hint of surprise that was shown on Wing’s face, then he hid it well. His face remained passive. He remained silent with his teacher. And Bisky took that as a sign to continue to prod for more.

“You’ve been awfully quiet ever since we got here. And it’s not just that, Wing.” Bisky put a finger to her chin, her accusation rendering Wing slightly nervous. “You’ve been extra precautions, telling me on when the event will start and coming even earlier than that. Not only that, you’ve been staring straight ahead, not even flinching when I’ve clearly offended you when we first came.”

“Bisky.” Wing faltered. “I...”

What he wanted to say to her was lounged in his throat. Bisky turned to him fully, arms still crossed obviously, but she had a sullen face, her brows were softly creased, her eyes were large, carrying concerned for Wing’s fretted behaviour.

“Wing,” Bisky turned towards Wing with a worried expression, a rare sight for anyone. “If you’re bothered about anything, whether it’s about how late we are, or how I’ll react to this so called _‘surprise,’_ ,” Bisky quoted in the air, “please resolve it before I get wrinkles. I get worried too, ya know.”

“And I hate getting worried.” She whispered to herself. Wing was taken off guard by her thoughtfulness. Before he could comment, Bisky returned back to her normal demeanour.

“Anyways,” she waved off in the end. “I’m getting tired, wanna open up the doors, oh Wing-san?”

Wing took a second before realizing that the doors to Heavens was right before them. He pushed up his glasses, placed both hands firmly on the door and pushed inwards,

And what a sight it was.

The door led to a long dark hall, before coming a whole new territory. The arena was shrouded in darkness, with the lights, a beacon of hope. The lights pointed around and dead centre on the stage, revealing the fighting ring. The floor they were on was shaped as a hexagon, the seats closer to the arena dipped low, while the ones near the entrance rose higher. There were so many people hyping up their favourite fighters, it was exhilarating.

Wing faced Bisky, whose eyes were huge in her sockets, eyes dazzled in wonder, her arms draped to her sides, as she took a few steps forward. This was one of the times that he has seen Bisky like this, without the false performance she gives others. It was a precious moment that Wing wished he could treasure to himself and admire.  
He followed her faithfully towards their seats, between the beginning and the middle of the Arena. Their steps were simultaneously in sync with each other. Bisky had a small smile on her, that Wing didn’t ever want to get rid of.

The crowd suddenly roared when the iconic commentator, Cocco, appeared front and centre on stage. Some group of people waved their banner of Kanjiru, the massive sumo wrestler who had a cone head. Others had a familiar bushy browed teenager on the front of their banners, words “Osu!” was painted on their shirts. It made Wing proud of his student, who now grew to become a Great Fighter.

“And now!” Cocco announced, “It’s the very thing you’ve all being waiting for!”

Bisky and Wing sat on their seats, awaiting the first matches to appear from the huge screen. It seemed as if the whole crowd hushed, all as excited as Bisky was. The door opens ominously, the smoke screen grew wider, hiding the challenger in the fog.

A red belt was noticeable, as well as the sleeves of the shirt was ripped through due to the thick biceps. The challenger took strides in the direction of the ring, his face finally shown to the world.

_So this is what you wanted to show me, Wing._

A gasp came from one of the audiences, as Cocco shouted with energy.

“IT’S THE EX-FLOOR MASTER ZUSHI!!!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, and don't worry, Killua's POV is coming back, I just need too finish it up!  
> Also, I'm a HUGE SIMP for Queen Bisky! Literally should've seen me when I saw her in Chimera Bro, I SQUEAAAALLED!!!
> 
> But anyways, Thanks for checking out my first fic, and pls leave kudos and comment if you enjoyed it!  
> (Comments are always appreciate!)  
> And until next time  
> Take care! ❤❤ ☜(ﾟヮﾟ☜)


	4. Just when you thought things could not get any worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I'm back. But I still have to do my History that's due in 13th of Nov, and if you've known me then I like to procrastinate.
> 
> But take a read anyways.

The crowd went wild, chanting his name as if it were giving him energy. Banners scrawled with Zushi were raised high up. The screen on stage that pointing to all 6 sides of the arena had shown a snippet of Zushi of him doing his unique fighting stance, squatting low, fist closed and reared at his sides. He shouted “Osu!”, and the fans of Zushi went wild.

Bisky stood on top of her chair, screeching at the top of her lungs like a proud mother. No surprise, Wing was trying to get her to stay down, for his sake. It’s already embarrassing enough that Bisky put on a show for him, and now this?

As Bisky was being yanked down on her seat, she noticed something peculiar to this New Zushi.

Zushi was the one who had a young but brilliant talent. Who became easily discourage, knowing he could never reach his full potential. Who would always have a weak heart on who he was. Who believed that no matter what, he will stay as 1 out of the 100,000.  
Zushi was not longer the same young boy who would always look from behind and feel as though he would never achieve.

“So, this was the surprise,” Bisky whispered to herself.

The Zushi she sees now was the defined truth of obedience and strength. He could kill using his hands, but there was no bloodlust to his build cage. He held his head with confident, but no arrogance was present.

He was like a Sapphire, incredibly humble in all aspects. Carved and shaped immaculately with the sight of true potential. Careful hands took the pre-refined stone and treated the stone, polishing it with care and accuracy.

There were some flaws in his stance, however. The Sapphire was rushed, stressed even, to shine. It wasn’t only the fault lies in Gemstone, rather, it is as if the carver were afraid of ruining the shine of the gemstone.

That carver being Wing.

Biscuit faced Wing, who is now observing the match with the look of paranoia. His eyes were staring ahead, just like when he was in the lobby, but this time, his elbow was on top of his raised knee, and his head on his enclosed index finger. The skin on his forehead was crinkled and was currently muttering to himself like a madman. His drink was sitting on his armrest, water perspiration began to form.

If Bisky wasn’t as worried as Wing in this very moment, she would’ve commented on how much of a child Wing looked like and laughed at him. But, from the way that he held himself, which by the way, wasn’t looking good, she could tell when a disaster would happen.

The commentator, Cocco, started talking suddenly, snapping Bisky back into focus.

“Zushi,” Cocco started dramatically, “was originally a floor master of Heavens Arena. A young, brave child, who faced the warriors of Hell, only to leave due to unexpected reasons.

“He trained vigorously, undergoing challenges through his mentors, and braced through the coldest of winters. To return as a full-fledged fighter. Our hero”

Bisky snorted out loud for how corny It sounded, while Wing coughing out his Slurpee.

“GIVE IT UP FOR ZUSHI!!!” Cocco yelled.

Unfortunately, Bisky decided to stand up on her seat and join in on the parade, smacking her fist over on Wing’s drink, and caused a were-very-happy couple in front of them to get splattered with sticky orange juice.

Bisky froze on her position, awkwardly standing and raising her fist mid-way through, her mouth gaped open. Right next to her, Wing had his hands held out to catch the cup, his mouth shaped as an “O”.

“Oi, what the...” the elderly one grunted, searching for the culprit. The companion of his was taking off her jacket, the lady’s flourished hair half soaked inside. Even though they couldn’t see how the stranger looked like, it was evident that using the word “irritated” would be an understatement. The elder one looked pissed. His hood had shown a bit of silverish white from the dimmed Arena, so he would’ve looked like any other elderly man. That is, until eyes dark blue like the crashing seas, highlighted with the colour of ice, sneered at the two culprits behind him.

“What in hell…” Killua’s faced matched the both of theirs, shocked beyond comparison. Nostalgia was never hit this hard. The old hag still looks like the same obnoxious kid from when he was 12, with her blond hair let down like a princess, and her dress an eye-sore colour of pink and magenta layered upon each other. And if he wasn’t mistaken, that was four-eyes with his light pink untucked shirt and all.

All this staring and not moving when on for a few minutes, until Alluka tugged at Killua’s coat and called his name. “Onii-chan, I’m soaked~”

“Oh my gosh, Killua? Is that YOU?!!?” The old hag shouted excitedly, pretending that this was a heartfelt reunion. She jumped on her seat with giddiness splayed on her face.

Alluka gave a wary glance towards the two strangers, bangs covered in the liquid. “Onii-chan do you know them?”

Bisky broke Killua’s ears by squealing like a 12-year-old. “Oh my gosh, Killua is this your _sister?!”_

“I don’t know Bisky,” Killua said with attitude, “Are you still trying to go after Hisoka, you _slut?”_

“Oh, my lord, so it _is_ you,” Bisky said under her breath.

Swiftly as those words came out of Bisky, Killua felt his skull break under his head. The pain was so immense, that he nearly blacked out from it.  
“You absolute brat!” Bisky bellowed, clenching her fist tightly towards herself. “You think that I’ll let you get away with that comment! You may have changed in appearance, but you are still a spoilt brat!”

“Oh, by the way, sweetie, nice to meet you!” Bisky said in a motherly voice to Alluka.

Killua winced in pain, touching his head. “You’re the one who spilled orange juice all over Alluka and me, so why are you talking?!”

“It was Wing’s fault!”

“Wait, why-”

“And I was going to fix that for you-”

“Please, quiet down-”

“but since you’re being a brat, I might as well clean up your sister-”

_“And now, here comes the Fan-favourite Fighter-!”_

“Using Cookie and leave you with that mess by yourself!” Bisky aura glowed a luminescent white, ready to swing at Killua once more.

The sudden cheering of the audience caught them all of guard, the door adjacent to Zushi opened, the mysterious fog covering his opponent. The sudden appearance of a new foe stopped the fight between the group, as Bisky, Killua and Alluka collectively craned their necks.

_“Will Zushi perish from this fight, or will he redeem himself as the new Hero?!”_

Wing observed the actions of Zushi. The confidence forced on Zushi was making his hands twitch, in either anticipation or fear. If only he was paying attention instead of tending to the situation right next to him.

The opponent in the fog made no sudden movement, cocking his head at his adversary questionably, as if he were judging whether to kill or spare the poor frightened fighter. It seemed as if an eternity had passed before the opponent walk out of the smoke. Confidence was laced in the air, heels clacked on the floor, the figure oozing out of the shadows. Bisky gasped in delight, as Zushi’s opponent’s hair a monstrosity of crimson red was contrasting to his make-up. His face was adorned with the shapes that Killua feared most.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” lights shown on the figure, who was now smiling wickedly under the spotlight. “The villainous fighter, ready to break bone and spirit, It IS HISOKA MORROW!!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll continue it, don't worry. But I feel like this story is wayyy to long without anything happening. And I am truly sorry if I take so many hiatuses every time. It's just a lot has been pulling, but I'm managing, so yeah.
> 
> But without further ado, I will do the other chapter!  
> Take a Hug! 🤗
> 
> Word of advice, put some comments down on others work, even some critism or some show of love will help out ppl along the way!


	5. Don't leave me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AGAIN, TRIGGER WARNINGS! Trigger warnings!!!!
> 
> _*SELF HARM*_  
>  _*RAPE/NON CONSENT FROM THE 🤡*_  
>  _And Ultimately, just sadness from this chapter!_
> 
>  __  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings!!!!  
>  _*SELF HARM*_
> 
> _*RAPE/NON CONSENT FROM THE 🤡*_
> 
> _*GORE*_
> 
> _And Ultimately, just sadness from this chapter!_
> 
> __  
> 
> 
> Song for this chapter! : [I found](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yj6V_a1-EUA)

“Ladies and gentlemen,” lights shown on the figure, who was now smiling wickedly under the spotlight. “The villainous fighter, ready to break bone and spirit, It IS HISOKA MORROW!!!”

The audience once again showed their support, roaring with all their hearts in match.

_Oh no,_ Killua panicked in his head. “Zushi hasn’t faced Hisoka, right Wing?”

“No, not that I have known of,” Wing said, keeping his voice steady. “He had only managed to make it to 200th floor but I made him leave. It was because his body hasn’t gotten used to learning all 4 principles of Nen simultaneously.”

“And is there _nothing_ that Zushi can do to pull out?!” Killua raised his voice at Wing.

“The crowd and Commentator wouldn’t allow it,” Wing clarified. “He would be shamed at most, because too many people waited for Zushi to come back. And for Hisoka to be his opponent, it would make anyone’s’ heart race in eagerness.”

“Rules from here on out are Null and Void. Whichever moves out, or drops to the floor, Loses!” The ringmaster said.

“WING, HISOKA IS GOING TO KILL HIM!” Killua shouted under the cheering of the crowd. “He’s going to die, what more don’t you understand?!”

“FIGHTERS, GET READY!” The Ringmaster boomed.

The Nen from Zushi and Hisoka simultaneously blew up, their colours merging and detaching away from each other in a series of purplish-black and pure white. Wing ignored Killua’s comment, staring straight ahead.

“You can do it Zushi!” Bisky cheered, drying Alluka’s hair.

A pause was made, the anticipation growing from both enemies. Zushi gave Hisoka a watchful eye, all the while Hisoka licking his lips in hunger.

“BEGIN!”

Zushi threw a conjured amount of Nen, twisting his hip with the action. Hisoka sidestepped the fired Nen attack, not realising that Zushi’s fist was ramming towards him. Hisoka’s head curled under his stomach, mouth opened agape, as the knuckle of the warring fighter rammed into his stomach.

Twisting his fist upwards, Zushi launched Hisoka upwards into the air.

Cheers rung throughout the Arena, Bisky’s voice being more _over-the-top._ Wing clapped as normal, but kept a watchful eye to his student. Knowing Hisoka, he is trying to use the advantage of the crowd to influence Zushi into doing the wrong move.

_Zushi has sent out the first strike!_

Hisoka landed perfectly on his two feet, his shoes clicking loudly on the brightly lit tiled flooring. Although he was pummeled in the stomach, his confident smile wasn’t wavering in the slightest. After all, his Bungee Gum kept his stomach intact.

He placed his hand to the side of his jutting hipbone, tilting his head to the side. It was as if he was waiting for Zushi to hit him again.

The clown raised one finger to Zushi, curling it towards him, motioning him to come closer, grinning viciously all the while.

_HISOKA ISN’T FAZED ONE BIT BY HIS ATTACK! AMAZING!!!_

Hisoka watched as Zushi’s expression flickered, from cautious, to pissed, but only for a second.

_Ah, so he is a tempered one,_ Hisoka noted. _This will be exciting indeed…_

Zushi circled around the clown, fist raised in caution. Hisoka held himself comfortably, waiting all the while for the little boy.

Zushi propelled himself towards Hisoka once more, throwing another fist towards his head. Swift as he was, Hisoka grabbed his ankle. Zushi’s eyes widened as he was flung across the ring. He scraped himself a few feet away, before hitting the backboard that separated the spectators from him.

_Zushi has 10 seconds before he gets disqualified!_ Cocco said, as the crowd counted down.

“10!”

Zushi began to wake.

“9!”

Pulling himself up.

“8!”

“COME ON ZUSHI!” Bisky screamed.

“7!”

“6!”

“5!”

“4!”

Holding onto his arm, he ran towards the ring.

“3!”

“COME ON ZUSHI!!!” Killua screamed out.

“2!”

Cocco banged on the table, shouted out to the crowd the verdict.

_“AND HE’S BACK ON!”_

Zushi’s feet padded towards Hisoka quickly, face turning into a shade of red. Dashing towards the clown in a low position again, he swung his foot to Hisoka. Hisoka back-pedalled his attack, and rushed him from his side.

Zushi’s saw his hand coming to scrape his hip. He jumped back away, and watched Hisoka carefully.

It seems as if the dog was trained, no doubt by the mysterious mentor that Cocco had mentioned earlier. He has been taught quite well, learning to strategize under enemy circumstances, was educated in martial arts.

But that’s all the tricks that the pathetic dog can do.

It all worthless in the end, because this dog had a suppressed amount of anger inside of him. An anger that has yet to unfurl. A quaking anger that his best at fighting wasn’t good enough for His mentor. A hurricane of rage mixed with jealousy, that has yet to be tipped over the edge.

He had to thank this dog’s mysterious mentor for putting him back onto Heavens Arena. Having another chance to break a toy, who was tipped over the edge thanks to his own mental stress was going to be the _death of him!_

_Oh Killua,_ Hisoka laughed internally, feeling Killua’s burning gaze from the illusive crowd. _I know how much you want to kill me, how much you want to rip my insides inside and out and make me cry for what I’ve done to your friends. To make me squirm and wither under your feet,_

_But we both know that you aren’t strong enough to do so._

_You hate feeling weak don’t you, so vulnerable to a few words, don’t you?_

_But most of all, I know how much you hate to see your friends beaten up to a messy pulp. One where you can’t save them from their oblivion._

_So let’s give you the most astounding performance!_

_one where you’ll surely cry your eyes out of!_

“Let’s play, little one,” Hisoka whispered to Zushi, staring lustfully at him.

Another lick of the flickering rage, settling on his face, before washed away by his focus. But just because he calmed his mind, it doesn’t mean that he can manage it for long. It’s plain obvious that his hands minutely shook, having the strongest urge to end Hisoka. Just a little more.

“Come on,” Hisoka prodded at Zushi, having the confidence to talk a slow step forward. “Are you that afraid of breaking a few bones?”

A small crinkle formed in the bridge of his eyebrows, irritated, but not enough.

_Just a little more…_

“Oh, don’t be so shy now,” Hisoka continued, “Your dog owner won’t be so pleased to hear that you’ve wasted all of your potty training, now would we?”

The crowd responded by cheered loudly for Hisoka’s preach.

_That’s a heavy burning coming from Hisoka!_ Cocco hailed.

Zushi’s face became utterly enraged by that comment, curling his curved palm into his fist. his ears rung heavily from the crowd and Hisoka’s constant assaults.

“Zushi!” Wing yelled at him. “Don’t get angry! He’s trying to trick you into slipping up, LISTEN!”

Zushi’s breathing became more audible in his ears, his vision becoming fuzzy with stress.

“Wing,” Bisky exhaled to him, rubbing the towel on Killua’s fluffy hair. “He’s gone too far. Hisoka shoved his buttons, and now he’s a ridged mess.”

“Shut up!” Zushi screamed at Hisoka. “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!”

“Oh, is our poor little fighter pulling a fit?” Hisoka laughed out loud. “Perhaps what I’ve said is true? Are you really that pathetic that you can’t handle the truth, hm~?”

_It looks like Zushi is losing his cool!_ Cocco yelled at the mic, _Was this Hisoka’s Plan?!_

_Oh Gon~_ Hisoka squirmed in his thoughts, _Just a little more, and I can taste you again._

“Gon~” Hisoka prayed to his beloved toy. The mic caught up on the words Hisoka uttered, causing Killua to perk up at the name.

_Gon?_

“SHUT UUUUUP!” Zushi yelled out at the top of his voice, running towards Hisoka with murderous intent.

_“ZUSHI!”_ was the last of his words coming out of Wing’s mouth before the inevitable happened.

Hisoka lunged, aiming a sharp claw at Zushi’s face. Zushi ducked low, the claws slashing the skin off the bridge of his nose. Zushi didn’t get any time to recuperate, as Hisoka’s heel was brought down to slam Zushi to the ground. As he bounced off the ground, Hisoka sending a devastating kick to his abdomen, causing Zushi to nearly fly out of the ring. Zushi managed to skid his hands on the flooring, slowing the momentum.

The fight continued like this, Zushi trying his hardest to get up as quickly, but Hisoka was constantly hunting him down. It was no different from what happened to Gon.

The fight was so one-sided, with Zushi being throw from one to the next. Hisoka, the sick clown, was enjoying himself. He loved it when his prey kept on fighting, even if there was no hope. Zushi kept forcing himself to stand, even if he was battered to the bone. The claw mark on his face grew to an irritating red. The dirt clung on his skin and clothes, adored with swollen purple bruises on his arms for blocking for too long.

But he was still determined to keep on fighting, his thin Nen flourishing around him.

The cheers from Zushi’s fans’ grew fearful for Zushi’s safety. Considering Zushi’s defeat, the arena praised for Hisoka’s beatdown on the poor teenager. Even some of his own fans gave up on him and joined in on the applaud.

Killua felt sick to the stomach. He knew Hisoka all too well, he knew that the sick bastard loves to play with his food, especially seeing it struggle. He might let the victim fight back, let it thrash under his weight, but he knew, in the end, he will grow tired of Zushi and kill him.

The fact that Wing and Bisky wouldn’t stop the match for even one second, pissed him _off._ They’re no better than the fucking clown himself. All these sick people wanted to watch Zushi get beat down repeatedly. Hearing Zushi’s pants as he struggles against the clown, who was smiling in ecstasy, wants to make Killua _scream._

It reminded him of how useless he was,

how useless he was to Gon.

The screams of the crowd, Wing trying to climb over, crying and calling out Zushi’s name while Bisky held him down, everything bounced off Killua’s ears. Thoughts spurred out, his breath quicken with fear and grief, his chest started to hurt.

_Oh Killua~, you’re finally starting to realize, aren’t you?_ Hisoka stared at Killua’s hunched shaking figure, licking his lips once more.

“Right then,” Hisoka stretched out, striding towards Zushi’s lifeless body, heels clicking in delight. “Time for the encore, my lovely dog.”

A.N. (Trigger warning FOR GORE starts here! Pls be cautious! 😓 *** means it's done!)

Hisoka bend down to Zushi, and extracted his hand out to grip onto Zushi’s brown hair. Zushi grimaced as he was yanked high, then slammed down from his head. Blood oozed and splattered everywhere, on Hisoka’s pants, on the Arena floor, and covered Zushi. Again, and again and again.

_Gon…_

_*Crunch*_

***

_He hates me so much, and I wasn’t there for him when he needed me most…_

“Onii-chan?”

Killua gripped the sides of his head, the sickening thwack growing louder each second. The room became colder, and everything and everyone around him became white noise.

*~*

_His heart pounded in his ears, as his electricity forced his body to work faster, to reach the mysterious sounds of breaking flesh. His muscles throbbed, and his legs hurt from the forced effort, but he had to find Gon. He had to protect his friend._

_His only friend in the world._

_His breathing became rapid, feet pounding loudly on the dirt, dashing through the evergreens of the dark forest. The sound became louder, more like a thunder, or a wakeup call of a coming omen._

_Then he sees it._

_A man looming over the guttered Pitou, fist struck inside of Pitou’s broken in skull, his arm dripping and Pitou’s face gushing blue blood. His hair flowed and flew as one, his Nen shone, powerful enough to end kingdoms. His figure was overly dominating, a presence that screams out dangerous._

_He raised his fist, the blue dripping down his burly arm, and he thrusted it back in Pitou’s face._

_He continued his onslaught, letting the skull crunch inside the wood tree. He let out a little grunt for every time his fist went through him. Pitou’s body shook for every time a fist landed, his body jerking with the motion._

_He was already dead, but the stranger was still going on and on and on and over and over and over again, throwing blood and shards of flesh everywhere until he stopped suddenly and turn behind him._

_“Killua?”  
_

*~*

“Aww,” Hisoka sighed loudly, shaking Zushi’s bloody head in his hand. “Seems like our little pet fell asleep when he wasn’t supposed to~”

_“AH! IS ZUSHI OUT FOR THE COUNT?!”_

“Not to worry!” Hisoka chirped happily, “I know a way to solve _this._ ”

“DON’T YOU FUCKING TOUCH HIM YOU FU-UMPH!”

Bisky shoved a cloth in Wing’s mouth and placed her hand there. Wing shrivelled under her gloved hand in his mouth.

“ _Enough_ Wing!” she hissed behind his ear. “I know you want to pound Hisoka to the centre of the Earth right now but,” Bisky grunted under Wing’s continuous squirming under him, “But you have to _calm down_ before we get KICKED OUT!”

“MMPH!”

Hisoka aligned himself next to the unconscious boy, who was bleeding out from his head. He moistened himself once more, tongue rolling on the top to the bottom of his thin lips.

*~*

_“Gon…” Killua whispered to him. The man’s eyes flickered, hesitant to move any closer. His wide honey coloured orbs that were flickered with specks of white and gold in Gon’s irises now was dulled with an ugly brown._

_Gon turn to him now, his hand that was cover in Pitou’s fluid’s was now resting on his side. His eyes locked onto Killua’s dimmed blue._

*~*

“Onii-chan?” Alluka asked him, tapping his shoulder. His breaths were growing louder every second, and his claws began to reveal itself slowly.

Zushi was barely moving from his brawl with the clown. His finger twitched, and his chest hurts for every time he took a breath facing, so it might be broken. He heard Hisoka’s heels clacking towards him, so he dragged himself using his fingers.

“Oh no-no-no!” Hisoka tsked. “Now that’s not allowed!”

A.N. (Trigger warning FOR NON-CONSENT starts here! Pls be cautious! 😓)

Zushi gasped loudly as Hisoka sat on top of his form, his broken ribs crunched under Hisoka’s weight. Zushi’s mouth was open in a silent scream, his rib bone teasing and poking his insides. He reached out a hand to pull himself off of Hisoka, but Hisoka grinded himself inside of his back, stopping any further attempt of escape.

***

“MMMMFPH!!!” Wing screamed into Bisky’s hand, now thrashing around to run into the ring. Bisky wrapped her legs around Wing, one hand holding onto his mouth, while the other grabbed onto the seat.

“WING _STOP IT!_ ”

*~*

_Killua took a hesitant step forward towards the Gon he sees now. The Gon that believed Kite was still alive, even after seeing his arm soar through the air. Gon, that didn’t want anything to do with him anymore._

_Killua hoped for the bitter ending that was to come. It always repeated several times in his head. For Gon to tell him it doesn’t hurt. For Gon to let silent tears cascade his face as his arm comes free. For Gon to deliver out his last Jajanken, and for Killua to scream out his name._

_But Gon’s mouth open to form the words that Killua dreaded to hear, that killed whatever reason that Killua had to be with him anymore._

_“This,”_

_“has_ nothing _”_

_“To do with_ you.” _  
_

*~*

Alluka saw Killua hyperventilating and talking to himself. She gripped onto his shoulder and shook it vigorously calling out his name in an attempt to ask him what’s wrong. Tears came undone, his face adorned with the watery jewels.

“G-Gon…”

A.N. (Trigger warning FOR NON CONSENT & GORE Continues here! Pls be cautious! 😓)

Hisoka’s boner was poking Zushi’s back, eyes trailing back up the stadium to see Killua crying his eyes out. Zushi tried to push himself away from the clown, scraping his body with Hisoka’s heavy weight. Blood marks were made on the tiled floor, his fractured ribs poking out of his skin.

***

The crowd booed on Hisoka for letting Zushi live this long over. It would’ve been heart-racing if Zushi was killed when Hisoka redeemed himself, but the match dragged on, causing the hype from earlier to die down to a dark theme.

People wanted to see a winner with the crowd’s hearts on the line. They wanted to see Hisoka destroy and the other one to struggle.

They all wanted Zushi dead.

“HMMPH! MMMMPH!”

“ _WIIIING_ ,” Bisky gritted through her teeth, her hold on the chair slipping away ever so slowly.

Then the chanting began.

“Kill Him!”

“Kill Him!”

“Kill Him!”

“Kill Him!”

It started from one side of the arena, a quiet chant, until others around it began to copy. The chants echoed loudly around the Arena, it’s residents throwing their fists in the air.

“Kill Him!”

“Kill Him!”

“Kill Him!”

The chants run together in harmony, like a church reciting Liturgical music to their deity. Hisoka stopped gazing at Killua’s shaking form momentarily to see that Zushi was crying and attempting again to pull himself off of Hisoka’s weight.

He was _pleading_ with Hisoka to spare him, to let him live a little long, to let him walk away from this fight. He was crying waterfalls and praying that someone would save him.

But that just turned on Hisoka even more.

A.N. (Trigger warning FOR NON CONSENT & GORE Continues here! I'M SO SORRY, Pls be cautious! 😓)

Hisoka dipped his head towards Zushi, his warm breath tickled his ear, as Hisoka licked the side of his cheek. His rough tongue scraped his baby soft skin, grinding his hips onto Zushi’s unbloodied back. He raked his nails under his chest, opening the wounds more. Zushi screamed out in fear and swung his arm out to get a hit out of the clown, but Hisoka grabbed onto his arm and yanked it behind him.

***

Wing was beyond infuriated with Hisoka, but couldn’t move any further with Bisky holding him tightly without using her full form. Wing even hurted Bisky by punching her square in the face, her nose bleeding, the bruise the shade of her dress. But she was determined not to let go.

A.N. (SELF HARM FROM Killua, Pls don't read this paragraph if it's triggering! )

The screaming of the crowd chanting their invocations onto Hisoka made Killua’s ears ring. His face broke out in a sweat, and his breaths were more audible. His claws were tearing through his coat, blood coating the ripping fabric and his digits boring into his forearms.

***

*~*

_“Why?” Killua whispered sadly, “Why me?”_

_Killua’s throat began to close in, his eyes blurring with hot tears. Gon’s eyes weren’t the same kind ones that he was used to. The Gon he sees now looked at him with absolute revulsion, with sheer disgust._

_Gon hated Killua._

_And that was made very much clear.  
_

*~*

“Onii-chan? Are you okay?!”

Alluka was scared now. Onii-chan was crying and sobbing loudly, and he had scratched inside of himself deeply. She hadn’t seen Onii-chan cry at all. Onii-chan only protected Alluka, only comforted Alluka, only loved her.

But Alluka didn’t know what to do. She had never seen her older brother cry. She had never seen her brother scared. She had never seen her brother so helpless, so vulnerable.

Bisky couldn’t hold Wing for long. She had incredible amount of strength yes, but Wing was just as strong when she was in her base form. He was pulling her apart, and he was getting more violent and aggressive for every second that passed.

She knew that she couldn’t hold him for long, so she looked around the roaring stadium to find a weapon to knock him out. Anything would be preferable, but karma was a bitch, for all that she could see was her extra fluffy scarf and some wrappers and rubbish.

A.N. (Trigger warning FOR NON-CONSENT & GORE starts here! Pls be cautious! It's nearly done, dw 😓!)

Hisoka ended his assault with a wet kiss on Zushi’s neck. Zushi was blubbering nonsensical sentences and crying salty hot tears. His wounds, which were previously minor broken ribs, were deeply piercing out his chest. The hot blood was now painting the whole ring a bloody red.

Hisoka _was_ getting bored, but he enjoyed Zushi’s wriggling. If this was a different situation, one where they were… alone, enclosed in an area, where one was definitely bottom and Hisoka topped, then Hisoka would fuck him into his grave.

***

The clown that still had his arm in his enclosed fist, twisted his arm backwards. Zushi’s attention snapped as he let out a yelp. He tried to turn his head to Hisoka, only seeing his smirk and the side of his face. The rest was blurred under the spotlight on top of the ring.

The clown dipped his head, but not to assault him once more, but to send him a final message before he sent him to the True Heaven’s above.

Zushi’s face drained in fear, as his arm was snapped in half.

*~*

_  
It was then that Gon realized that talking to Killua was the biggest mistake that he had ever made._

_Everything was set in slow motion. Pitou’s body moved on its own. Pitou’s claw-like hands were clasped together, and his body stretched out to aim and missed Gon’s head._

_It was almost poetic, in a messed-up way. Gon’s blood splattered on the floor, his arm flew in the air. Gon’s eyes widen and so did Killua’s. Pitou’s claws seared through Gon’s skin, as he gritted his teeth in pain._

_This is where Killua gets his bitter ending._

_But Pitou didn’t stop attacking._

_After the failed dive, Pitou’s body dropped to all fours, his tail whipped out and snarled at the two. Pitou’s head was barely hanging on, a vein holding desperately between the mushed amount of blue fleshed head and his neck._

_Gon fell to the ground, holding onto his wounded stump. Gon closed his eyes tightly, hissing in pain. Pitou was forcing himself up, his movements awfully puppet-like, limbs shaking in effort to stand. Killua tried to move, but his legs were implanted to the floor._

_Killua screamed out to him to run, to watch out, anything to get Gon to move, but Gon didn’t fight back, nor did he stand to run. He just stood there; his resolve to live was lost in the wind. Pitou walked closer, but Gon wasn’t paying attention to him._

_Pitou towered over Gon. He was definitely dead, but his aura and his oath on ending Gon was just as strong._

_Gon looked towards Killua’s watery eyes, His eyes grew back, the ugly brown of revenge was now replaced with his wide honey coloured orbs that Killua missed. Clutching hard on his dripping stump, He smiled meekly just before Pitou raised his claw._

_“It doesn’t hurt Killua.”  
_

*~*

Killua screamed out loud, catching the attention of Bisky and the onlookers around her. He was screaming and his body was out of control. Alluka gave up on Killua a while ago. He wasn’t responding to her at all when she called out to him, so she just let him have his moment.

But Killua was thrashing his claws and screaming to the air around him. Bisky was distracted by Killua’s distress, it gave Wing enough time to shove her off and sprint out towards the ring.

Zushi let out bloodcurdling scream, wriggling underneath the clown. Hisoka smiled viciously, bending his forearm disgustingly the other way round.

*~*

_Pitou’s claw sunk through Gon. The forest boy spluttered out blood from his mouth, never breaking his gaze from Killua. His kind eyes were still staring into Killua’s fearful ones._

_He kept screaming at Gon, kept reaching out to the big distance between them, but he couldn’t move, nor could he talk. He wanted so badly to scream, to run towards him, to get himself killed for letting Gon get hurt in the first place._

_But no matter how much he screamed, or cried out to his friend, not a single sound came out. The ringing in his ears was his only solace._

_“PLEASE LET ME SAVE YOU!”  
_

*~*

Bisky jumped down from her seat to tend to Killua’s panic. “Killua calm down!”

Killua’s eyes were zipping from one area to the next. Bisky knew she shouldn’t touch him, or it would make his panic attack worse, Physical contact was probably the main problem that Killua had as a child growing up, so he was imagining his family hurting him.

“RUN GON PLE-EASE DON’T GO!”

*~*

A.N. (Trigger warning FOR GORE starts here! Pls be cautious! 😓)

_The sight was shocking to look at. Gon just kept on smiling, half of his side ripped out open. His insides were ripped open out, his head was bleeding from the claws that gripped tightly around his skull, and all that Killua could do was make noiseless sounds._

***

_He wished that he could be just as strong so he could be the living shit out of Pitou. He wished that he could take the bullet for Gon and protect him from this monster. And he wished that he could turn away from Gon, from Pitou, from everything, but he couldn’t betray him._

_He just watched._

_And watched._

_And watched the whole time.  
_

*~*

Wait…

_Did he just say Gon?_

Killua’s fingertips began to produce static. The lightning bolts sparked loud and hard, colouring and frizzling his hair upwards. Seeing the affect the panic was doing to him, Bisky’s eyes widened in fear, immediately letting go of Killua.

It was bad enough that he was activating his Nen, but doing it in a public event now, such as this? It would kill hundreds, if not, then thousands of people.

“Hey!” Bisky yelled to Alluka. “Killua’s sister, right?”

“Y-yeah?”

“Go get your brother some water,” she said, sneaking a peak at the sparking wire. “He’ll need some paper towels.”

Alluka gave her brother a one over, before getting up slowly.

“O-okay!”

*~*

_It was then that Pitou stopped for a split second. The mushed raisin swivelled his head towards the direction of the palace. He cocked his head as if he were listening to something, simultaneously dropping Gon to the floor._

_Gon’s body landed with a sickening thud, colouring the floor with crimson. Killua watched intensely at Pitou, before he sprinted into the deepest part of the forest._

_It took a few seconds to realized he could breathe and a bit more that he could move again. Killua ran to his precious friend, skidding his knees to the bloody body._

_“GON!”_

_Killua’s tears fell onto his bleeding friend. Gon’s eyes were half-lidded, fighting himself through the gates of life and death._

_“Gon, Gon Gon Gon Gon Gon,” Killua said, holding him close to his chest, Gon’s shoulder brushing up against his. He rocked him slowly, muttering nothings into him, letting the warm blood soak into his white shirt._

_Gon felt warm in his arms. Even after all this time travelling and training with him, even after all this torture he had received, even after all the things he said to Killua, he was still warm and comforting to be with._

_He wished that he didn’t leave him._

_“Ki,” Gon mumbled under him. “Kill, Killua.”_

_Killua abruptly stopped his talking, feeling the weight of Gon’s body shift under his arms._

_“G-Gon?”_

_Gon turned his neck to Killua’s gaze, blood squelching nosily. His wide honey coloured orbs that were flickered with specks of white and gold, met eyes that were coloured in a stunning blue, adorned with crystal whites._

_Gon wasn’t an adult that Killua was so scared to look at anymore. He was the light that Killua met in the Exams, the light that only wanted Killua to be there for his match, the light that wanted to travel the ends of the world with him._

_He was Gon again._

_Gon smiled weakly at Killua, crying tears of sorrow._

_“Please” he began, eyes swelling with more tears. he reached out to touch Killua's face. “P-please don’t c-cry Killua.”_

_“S-stupid,” Killua laughed helplessly, leaning into his touch, “Your crying yourself, I-idiot.”_

_“Heh,” Gon giggled too, “Guess I am, aren’t I?”_

_His laugh sounded so empty, so void of his madness of his revenge for Kite. It sounded so helpless, because not only could he avenge Kite, but he would be joining him soon._

_And Killua hated it,_ So _much._

_It was Killua’s fault that Gon nearly ended up dying, it was Killua’s fault that Gon never got the chance to avenge Kite it was Killua’s fault that Gon became a monster it was Killua’s fault that Gon left him it was Killua-_

_“Killua!” Gon yelled at him, staring at him with full determination._

_Killua’s thoughts were put to a halt, as he felt Gon’s hand holding tightly on his tank top, tugging harshly to gain his attention._

_“It’s not your fault,” Gon stated to him. “It never was.”_

_“B-but, I-I,” Killua chocked out, “I couldn’t-”_

_“Save me,” Gon said sadly, “I know.”_

_“I know,” Gon repeated, “I know how scared you were when you saw the bad side of me, I know how angry you were when I snapped at you, and I know how sad you were having to know that we could never be together again.”_

_“A-and,” Gon stuttered, tears running freely down his face, “and I’m so, so sorry Killua.”_

_“No,” Killua whispered under his breath, “No No No No-”_

_“Don’t cry Killua,” His friend said, eyes clouding over._

_“No No No No No Please No Gon-”_

_“Because I-I promised you-”_

_“No Gon, Please Don’t go!”_

_“That no matter how far w-we,  
“we are,”_

_“NO SHUT UP GON!”_

_“We will, We will always”_

_“I’M NOT LETTING YOU DIE!”_

_“We will_ always _”_

_“Be…”_

_Gon’s body had finally given up, laying dormant, so empty of his friend. Killua’s body couldn’t stop shaking, His head pounded, his throat hurted, his breathing was uneven, and his ears rung loud._

_Gon was no longer alive anymore._

_“No.”_

_Gon’s blood ran through his shirt and on his pants. He no longer radiated warmth, but now was dead cold in his arms._

_His kind, warm heart stopped beating, his hand that gripped on so tightly to Killua and relied heavily on Killua so much, had now lain dead on the dirt floor._

_“No,” Killua cried in disbelief. “No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No NO NO NO NO NO NO-”_

_His Nen began to course through his body, his electricity cracking and sparking his heart to race further._

_“GOOOOOOOON!”_

_Killua wept harder, holding Gon’s dead body close towards him._

_“PLEASE DON’T GOOOOOO!”  
_

“DON’T LEAVE ME-EEE!!!”

Killua yelled out those final amounts of pleads, before the stadium blew up with electricity, a ferocious white bloomed everywhere. Bisky jumped towards Alluka to protect her, Killua’s tears burned his skin, as the blast shrouded every electrical thing in darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OML I never felt _soooooooo_ sick writing Hisoka’s POV in the 15 years I’ve lived in my life 🤢🤮.
> 
> +This would be the 2nd part of Killua’s ending (Special someone is making an appearance!!!)  
> (Hint: It’s Mr. _ _ _ _ _ _)
> 
> GOOD NEWS: On the 20th of November, my Assessments are all finished!  
> SO, I CAN UPDATE WITHOUT A HIATUS!!!
> 
> Bad news: My school will end on December 3rd, and as I already explained, I don't have a laptop, phone etc. to write any of my fics 😔 since my mother and father are SUPER STRICT ON ME!!!
> 
> So yeah, Pls don't get surprised once you've realized that the story might stop somewhere, and I HATE leaving and getting everyone wishing on a shooting star on the fic, so yeah, I wanted to warn you before it happens.  
>  _I won’t be writing until next year,_ where I’d be getting another laptop to use.
> 
> Anyways, if you guys enjoyed, go ahead (don't be shy) and leave some comments, they are really appreciated here once in a while, and thanks for checking out the _unfinished work._
> 
> I'm sorry if I sound moody or sad or anything, I don't want to make you guys worry too, so yeah!
> 
> ALSO! If you guys want to know what happened to Zushi, I _could_ make a side story on what happened, after all, I've got snippets of what happened to him. There is a reason why he has a sudden change of emotions and Wing is crying too!
> 
> So, as always, Take care! 👍


	6. Asking questions and Giving warnings. *Not a chapter!* (Sorry!)

ahem!* Well, I don't know how to write this, but I've got a few things to ask/warn and say!

OK, um.

Uhhhh.

Okay, So! 

Announcement!

I finally got a new laptop! I think I've told u guys previously that I couldn't write due to the fact that I was loaning a computer from my school, and It was near the end of the year that I wrote the previous chapter. 

Problem is! the Laptop has no usb drive. I used to save my work with my usb, but when I got a personal laptop, it had NONE! Nothing to put in, nothing to use!

So literally, I am drowning in an indescribable amount of emptiness-  
But I'll find a way to fix it, so dw!

Number 2! I wanna say that I have no idea how to delete chapters.  
As many ppl have read my works, there was suddenly gaps of where I put breaks down, Like this one right here! But I feel like they ruin the atmosphere of the story, so I want to ask if there is anyway of deleting it without, ya know, ruining the other chapters!

And lastly! This story is gonna get dark, and I mean, REALLY DARK. It's gonna go down some explicit content, pull on some issues and I don't know how to put down warnings of the sort.

So basically, I'm asking that if people do get uncomfortable, then pls tell me so that I don't harm you in anyway. I'm so sorry if I didn't put down warnings earlier, and if you want, I'll put down warnings before I write the chapter 🙏! Please just tell me if it's okay to put this like this down!

Anways, I gotta go, so I wanna see some answers before I post!


	7. Angel of death

Killua cracked an eye out into the darkness. 

His bangs covered most of his vision, but he could tell that he wasn’t sitting anymore, and could feel the rough patch of flooring through his fingertips, the uneven bumps of the carpeted flooring brushing his face.

How long was he out for? A minute? An hour? Even longer?

His vision was bad, one thing. His strands of hair came as a waterfall, and a dull headache formed slowly behind his eyelids. It felt like he was viewing everything through a murky screen, and whenever he turned, the picture ran through with the next, making it look like he was looking at a flowing river of inky photos. 

He felt awfully tired and heavy, another thing. Drained out, to be exact. Like a sponge full of water, able to be picked up, but too much effort to do so. 

But then he smelled death.

As if by a miracle, his vision snapped back into place. He could move his body freely again, feeling the energy bring him back to life. The smell was more prominent, he could catch a whiff of something that was smelt of burnt flesh that hung in the dark air. 

And what he saw was imprinted forever into the back of his nightmares.

Bodies.

Dead bodies everywhere.

The bleachers were covered with bodies flopped over others, bodies that were barely breathing. Bodies that weren’t even moving. Bodies, everywhere.

_Everyone, please remain calm! This is not a drill, I repeat, this is not a drill!_

Bodies that were scorched, bodies that were burning in small flames. All of these bodies, each and every-one of them, were dead.

_Everyone use the emergency exits beside you!_

All of these people, who were previously happy, who were laughing amongst their mates and friends, couples that were thrilled to see their fighters on stage,

They didn’t know anything,

And they all died.

_All because of me..._

The people were panicking over the speakers, thinking that it was a terrorist attack from another. They scurried and pushed others out of the way.

A slow stir of fear rocked in the bottom of his stomach, as he moved away from the chaos of the people running, his hand brushed something.

His palm touch soft skin, and it curved outwards from the back. He looked under to see that it was a calf of the leg hidden under a pile of rubble, connected to a body that disappeared under it.

The horror stirred in, when he saw the frilly white stockings still attached to the leg piece, and the ugly pink dress sticking out of the seats crushed under, the unmistakeable amount of red that poured out of the cracks.

Bisky was wearing a dress. She was the only one who was wearing pink at the time, she was the ones with the stockings to make herself look cute. She was the only close one to him, and she wasn’t here to wake him.

Bisky was under there and she was _dead_.

He felt his heart hit the back of his throat, and realised that he was looking at Bisky’s body. His back arched and he heaved up dry air, feeling his throat pushing everything, but nothing coming out. 

His head overran with the words, _Get out of here, move, get up and GO!_

And he obeyed.

He remembers crawling and shoving himself away from the scene, running pathetically away from the place, feeling his jacket bounce with every thump of a step he took on the floor.

He remembers shoving everything and everyone away that came. And he remembers the commentator’s voice booming loudly to the skittish audience. He remembers the people pushing in to get inside the tiny elevators, others giving room or shoving them away, and some attempting to kill them if they don’t let them in. But he didn’t hear, nor did he want to care.

A massacre that a soulless person would do, someone with no remorse for their actions, or what it might do for others. Someone who had decided to attend the event and wanted to see the world burn. 

Someone who was an expertise at killing, yet made a pathetic attempt of hiding it. Someone with white hair and the coldest of eyes.

Killua knew someone would fit _perfectly_ into the description.

__

(…) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter I know, I'm sorry! I have a lot more, but I'm still tryna proof-read it and see if it makes sense with the story, cuz the old me who was writing this had throw this to a different route, but ye, Imma post early tmr or the day after if I can!
> 
> But anyways, Thanks for checking out my first fic, and pls leave kudos and comment if you enjoyed it!  
> And until next time  
> Take care! ❤❤ ☜(ﾟヮﾟ☜)


	8. Normal, right?

(…)

The sound of anarchy rung throughout the arena, now growing distant as thudding footsteps attempted to catch up with its’ acquaintance.

“Onii-chan, wait!” a voice was heard, “Onii-chan, wait slow down!”

Killua shoved through many individuals, some apologizing heading their way to the venues, others swearing at him. Alluka weaved through others, searching for fluffy white hair through the muddled mob. She felt her lungs blowing out as she pushed through the tall adults and the congregating people that are escaping to the exits as well.

“Onii-chan!”

She ran and she ran, keeping her eyes trained on the mop of white hair trailing faster away from her vision.

Alluka finally went through a clearing, where the lights shunned the room with a holy embrace, a few folks were nonchalantly strolling in from the entrance, kids were playing with each other with their parents gathered tickets from the iconic lady who worked at Heavens, others coming out from the top floor to leave immediately, and right near the exit was her brother, Killua.

“Onii-chan, wait!” Alluka sped up her pacing with Killua’s. “What about _them?_ You need to save them; you can’t just leave! they’re-”

Killua spun to his sister, locking his ice blue eyes with hers. “I don’t give a damn about them, nor do I feel like I have to save them. YOU can go and try to and save them when _you’re_ the reason why they are hurt in the first place Alluka!

“YOU can go play hero while so many people are dead and dying _up there!_ Just GET AWAY FROM ME! LEAVE ME ALONE!”

Killua raised his voice, unaware that some people have stopped to look at the disturbance, while others pretended to not look at him.

Her bottom lip trembled, talking small steps away, her hands held to herself close, as if she were going to burn herself.

“I’m going. Don’t follow me.”

Killua proceed to walk faster, shoving his hands into his coat pockets and speed walking towards the entrance hall of Heavens Arena, ignoring that the pedestrians’ judging looks.

“Onii-chan,” Alluka whispered, “Please.”

The door was pushed rather harshly, a gush of wind rendering the space around him cold. Killua’s fingers lingered on the glass panels. His eyes rose back at the glass frame, his reflection displaying the grey trench coat hanging unevenly on either side of his shoulders, the wind softly blowing its’ breath at his soft curls of snow, and the deep red blood marks inside.

“Bye, Alluka.” Killua recited in a sad voice.

The door was pushed completely with the tips of his fingers. Killua took long, slow strides outside into the Autumn Night, as his welcoming companions were the darkness, the stars, and the city light’s.

He didn’t turn back, as he put one foot in front of the other. Knowingly, had he turned back towards her, he would’ve seen her face adorned with tears, her hands wrapped around her forearms, and the cold wind that gushed out of the doors that cover her in shivers.

He would of ran back in her arms, softening her sad state, rubbing her back, and assuring her that he will make her happy again.

Just like the dear brother Alluka knew he was.

But then again, he didn’t deserve the title after what has been done.

_(…)_

The city at night was beautiful, it was a bliss to walk in its’ gentle glow.

It should had given him a sense of peace, a time for him to think for himself.

The streets of Heaven’s were quiet, with a few cars driving back to their destinations home, restaurants closed off for the Annual Heaven’s Arena Battle, and the wisps of the Autumn breeze.

He trudged forward, away from Heaven’s Arena, hands clenching and unclenching in his pockets. His breath could be seen, a wisp of smoke escaping his lips. He still could feel if he were in that tower, the sickness going further into his stomach.

He paced faster, away from everything, away from everyone, He couldn’t take this anymore, the abandonment and pain. He thought that he had gotten over Gon. His only friend in the world. His friend who would always turn away from Killua’s faults, who hadn’t judged him or ran away from a sociopath like him. Who didn’t look horrified once he killed someone with his bare hands.

Gon, who would forever be the light for him.

Killua took a few strides faster under the cold night, before panic sets by him, and he sprinted. The wind whistled in his ears; lights blurred in the corner of his eyes. His chest hurt, and his head was throbbing so hard, thinking wasn’t even an option anymore.

He ran through the half empty streets, the steps into an alleyway. The dumpster was settled at the back, with a few clusters of cats rummaging through. He laid his back on the wall, heart still racing from the adrenaline seeping into his skin.

The sickening feeling was getting worse, and there were tears running through the corners of his face. He can hear his heart throbbing in his ears, and the headache worsening. He clenched his jacket with his fist, his breath more uneven with every passing second.

He was an assassin. One with no remorse, one who did not regret. An assassin who had killed for years, and a killer who had feared nothing.

But here he was, crying uncontrollably, detesting himself for every breath that was taken. An assassin that had avoid killing for years, and feared that he would do it again.

He looked onto his hands, perfectly shaped to look _normal._ A pair of long slender fingertips, tipped with uncut nails.

Normal hands, for a normal person, right?

_Right?_

He was normal, wasn’t he?

Hehe, Hehe-

He banged his hands against the stony wall, scraping away at his skin as if filth had tainted him. The very filth that didn’t belong to him. He ripped into the palms of his hands. Cuts emerged, and blood seeped out from his fingers, leaving his hands in an irreversible state of scaring. He wasn’t one to stop himself from punishment, so he continued his onslaught of ripping his hands into oblivion, screaming and crying to the world’s silence.

He was normal right? RIGHT?!

He kept going and going and going, to feel something, to feel _anything_ in his hands. In his very palms that could push someone’s throat shut and snap their neck inside. Fingers that could push through the cages of the rib and rip through to heart effortlessly. He was a killing machine for God sake, how the hell is he considered normal?

He didn’t deserve anyone, and he doesn’t deserve Gon either.

It should just be him.

And him alone.

Suddenly, he felt something tap his shoulder.

Killua looked around wildly to a woman with a child. Black haired, but a touch of grey hair in her bun, and her son clutching her side, hiding behind her figure. Both of them looked terrified of him, but his mother had the courage to reach her hand out to him.

Her mouth opened and moved to the sound of silence. Nothing came out of her lips, but she kept pointing at his hands and his forearms. She was concerned about him, but she said nothing to the ringing of his ears and the pounding of his heart.

Her voice sounded muffled, like the volume on her speaker was barely producing any sound besides from that tiny whisper. He son still looked wary, and he had every right to be.

He was bleeding heavily; his eyes were animalistic, and his screams were the very thing that brought them here.

His eyes snapped towards her hand that reached. Her hand that was so soft and gentle and kind and held everything inch of compassion. He didn’t know what happened, but the next thing he knew was that the woman clutched her chest tightly, then she was on the floor.

He didn’t know what happened.

He never knew what happened.

He felt something on his hand, and look to see her heart in his hand, still pulsating blood from the tubes, and his claws that retracted quickly away to hide the evidence that he was the culprit.

The child came from his shock and began to emit a sound that could be only described as a high-pitched screech.

He kept screaming and screaming and screaming, and his headache began again.

Pain came to the back of his eyelids, and he clutched his head to make the pain stop. The child kept screaming and screaming, he could _feel_ his head breaking apart, shrieking and pleading for him to make the pain go away.

The voices of everyone screaming, the teasing of Hisoka’s ploy, the dread of never having happiness again, the body of Bisky bleeding out, the constant voices that tell him to kill himself and the depressive thoughts that constantly overcome him.

He felt miserable, like he wanted to cry and cry, emptying out all of the warring emotions he had to contain for _so long._ He felt pathetic, for still having the thoughts of his friend, the memories of him smiling and calling out to him, the feeling of wanting _more,_ but ends up falling short, walking away in shame.

But most of all, he felt angry. Angry at his family, angry at his brother, angry at Hisoka, angry at himself.

His body moved on its’ own accord, and he saw his hand raise at the crying child, feeling the drop of his stomach as he realizes what he was doing.

He willed his arm to stop reaching, for his legs to stop moving, but he kept moving towards the screaming child.

He tried to force himself to drop the hand, to push away the thoughts of blood rippling in his mind. He screamed at the child to run away, while his body crept closer. His feet skidded and stumbled, but they did not stop coming closer to the frightened child.

He begged for no more bloodshed.

He was a killer, but he didn’t want this child to just be another number in his body count. He had a life, he was still a _child,_ but that didn’t stop him.

He was close enough to see the child’s tears, his snot escaping his tiny nose. He could see his breath escaping in hiccups, and his fear in his dark blue eyes.

Killua remember those words that came from his lips, the lips of the former assassin, “You had your chance.”

He pointed towards the fearful child, and with the wave of his hand, half of the child’s face was ripped away.

(…)

Leorio strolled in his office, holding a jug of coffee brew in his hands, an article of forms with the other. Stressful as is, his emails of when his shift starts and ends at work were ridiculous, having only 4 hours of rest. And he was still unfamiliar in medical science. He grumbled in his wheeling chair, papers stacked in columns near his desk, unfinished forms and papers pilling high-up.

Yes, being a doctor seemed more as a burden then what was first thought, with how many calls he gets from the hospital, to the fact that he has a lot to learn on which drug works best on the human body. And drinking now, seems more of an afterthought, and that’s what frightened Leorio.

But it was the best burden that he had fought for.

Leorio was walking half-drunk out from a bar, swaying from side to side.

During this time, he was thinking of quitting Med school altogether. The stress of Cheadle and her astounding number of assignments that pushed his shifts of working as a home doctor to a minimum wage had forced him into doing the number 1 thing he loves doing the most, drinking.

The world was swirling around him, colours randomly swishing with its opposite, until he saw the colour of crimson, and the body covered in its’ wake. It was scary sight at first. His first patient was a teen and was found at the back of an alleyway.

The patient had a huge cut from the top of his shoulder down to his hip and was lying face up. It was later found out that he was threatened for helping a victim of bullying and suffered for trying to save the victim from getting killed. Leorio pulled out his phone, calling his parents phone number as well as the police, opening his suitcase and rummaging for supplies.

The patients face up close was horrifying. Face paling, blood dripping from his white shirt, drenched with sweat mixed with crimson, holding on for dear life. Leorio was trying his hardest to be brave for him, praying that he doesn’t leave this world, just like Pietro. He had no antiseptics during the process, and Leorio swore a lot for his first-time stitching his wounds up on a real-live person, but he finally did it.

The patient managed to survive, face palled to an unhealthy white, and his breaths shallow, but he made it. His parents and the ambulance came and were so thankful to Leorio for saving their son. They tried to give him money, say it was for what he has done, but Leorio pushed away at their hands.

_It’s alright, you don’t owe me anything._

And their faces were worth the world to him.

Leorio had already set down his sheets and read through his tasks, realizing that he was sipping an already empty mug. And if life wasn’t already being selfish enough. He emptied out the last of his brew into the mug, the particles of the grinded coffee swirling, landing at the bottom.

The kid’s name was Kibe, a brave one. Even though he was bandaged up from his chest, his smile was just as bright. He was a reckless kid, that was already evident enough. Apparently, he was going to meet up with the perpetrators with just his fist, innocent to the fact that they were playing street rules.

His mother smacked his head and scowled him for acting reckless, but he just stuck out his tongue like any other would do. Reminds him of a particular someone.

“What are they doing,” Leorio pondered, “while I’ve been gone…”

Unexpectedly out of the blue, Leorio’s phone buzzed from under his documents. Leorio cursed inwardly, sifting through his mounds of work, throwing sheets haphazardly across the room, hoping it wasn’t Cheadle.

He snatched it finally from the mound of sheets, peering at the ID in suspicion. It showed Killua when he was a kid. He was peace-signing the phone up close, smirking and standing proudly on his newly furnished desk, with Leorio at the background, yelling at the thief.

He was either hallucinating, or Killua _wanted_ to call him. It was a first seeing Killua’s face on his phone. Usually, Leorio would’ve called him to ask of how he was, but Killua would ignore him, or call him an old fart and end the call.

_Jeez…_

Leorio answered the phone, his hand on his hip as he spoke first. “What the hell do you want this time, brat? Cuz I was enjoying myself in my _very own_ office, with my _very own_ coffee maker.”

“L-”

“Yeah yeah, that’s alright and all but did’ja hear!? I became an apprentice to Cheadle, so one of the greatest Zodiacs is giving their wisdom to little-old me!” said a very challenging Leorio, puffing out his chest in victory. “just so you know,”

“And you wouldn’t think of this, my luck gets better!” He held his now lukewarm cup in his hand, switching roles with the brat with his snarky behaviour. “The views on this building is astounding by the way-”

“Leorio?” Killua rasped, hurt and sadness laced in his voice.

And just like that, Leorio’s big mouth had clamped shut together. Killua’s voice sounded broken, devoid of all his bratty behaviour when he was younger.

He wasn’t even sure that was the same kid who had called him an old man in the first place.

What happened to the kid who called him an old man? To the old Killua who would brush off Leorio when he asks if he were okay? Leorio would rather go for the bratty kid, not this stranger who gotten _his name_ right.

_What in…_

“Y-yeah” Leorio stuttered involuntary, “It’s me.”

The line went silent, and he could feel the tension thicken to the point where his skin crawled. Killua didn’t speak for a long time, and not a single sound of breath escaped his lips. The tension of the silence was scaring Leorio, like he was being held at gunpoint for speaking at the wrong time.

He heard Killua take a long breath, the phone’s static crackling and he heard the words spoken for his ears and his ears only.

“Fuck.

“You.”

_Click_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This would be the last of Killua's flashbacks, now, this! *holds a bunch of Killugon fluff in one hand above the air* Is coming later! _*Evil laughter*_ Yall ain't ready for what I'll put you guys through. If you guys couldn't handle what I've written on chapter 5, then good luck getting through this! _*More evil laughter*_
> 
> \+ I've been feeling yucky for the past few weeks I've had to had for hiatus, so comments are appreciated (A lot pls-)
> 
> But anyways, Thanks for checking out this fic, and pls leave kudos and comment if you enjoyed this!  
> And until next time  
> Take care! ❤❤ ☜(ﾟヮﾟ☜)

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first chapter, and it looks awful, pls forgive me if I've made ir look clumped up or messy, it was my first time writing!
> 
> Thanks for checking out my first fic, and pls leave kudos and comment if you enjoyed it!  
> And until next time  
> Take care! ❤❤ ☜(ﾟヮﾟ☜)


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